Marching Across Montana

We have finally solved the mystery about why The Butcher Shop was expunged from WordPress. First, a little history here. —> I <— picked WordPress years ago to store articles and ideas that were stacking up in my office. I picked it because it was a garbage dump. No direction, no morals, no inspiration. Perfect! By and by we had dominated the feed, just like we did the Tea Party Tribune and a few others. We started calling ourselves The Butcher Shop and some fool referred to us as a blog. Kay Sarah Sarah. Poof! We’re a blog. We began to use the garbage dump as our flagship. 14,000 times later we were launching our stuff from there solely because the format was easy. 

 

We did this to give a venue for our writers. Early on I had learned that the Tea Party Tribune would not publish my stuff unless I signed it with my “real” name. I convinced them to allow me to pen my blasphemies under “Bill the Butcher.” Later I got them to let me just call myself The Butcher Shop. So . . . Folks like Crystal Lee, George Rodriguez, Doc Green and Peter Ehlers and about 200 more Butchers could submit, I’d just run their picture somewhere in the article, the article would run, the angels would sing, and we all had a martini and called it a day. 

 

Submissions came from all walks of life. From John LecKrone’s detailed analysis of the Civil War to Kiler Davenport looking for gay frogs in the White House. One charter Butcher was the right, honorable Robert Baty late of Forbes Magazine and more degrees than a thermometer. Like myself, Robert just loves to take off after fundamentalist preachers. I’ve found that usually these guys have a little girl in the closet somewhere. You just look long enough, and you’ll find her! 

 

There was one such preacher (with a very fetching daughter) that took it upon himself to march across America dragging a cross. Found himself in Montana. While he, and his disciples were cross dragging down some non-descript farm to market road up there they found themselves parking in some guy’s driveway and obstructing traffic. When the owner of said driveway requested that they get into the proper lane they smote him mightily even with the cross ie beat the hell out of him like a red headed stepchild. I did a Google search and could not find any incident where Jesus knocked out any Centurions with His crossbeam on His way to Golgotha.  But, this would not be the first time some self-appointed “prophet” revised the Bible to suit his own sermon. 

 

Well, Robert was all over this like white on rice. (Is that too racist?) I digress. Anyway, he asked me if The Butcher Shop would assist in properly crucifying this idiot, and being the socially conscious citizen that I am, I said, “Why HELL YEAH!” I mean it’s got all the points. Remote. I didn’t think anyone had ever heard of this preacher, the attackee was a local boy, and he had a pickup and a cowboy hat. And the preacher’s daughter was hot enough to melt the wax off a Dixie Cup at one hundred yards. Plus, she was engaged to some guy with a name like Billy Joe Jim Bob Frank, who was clearly out of his league, and I was just the person to sober him up! What could possibly go wrong?

 

So, Robert started ripping this guy up, he started working his way through the Montana court system and The Butcher Shop was running everything Robert wrote not to mention my timely observations from the sidelines. Now be aware at this time I was producing the movie, Kielia, penning five more screenplays with my partner, Vic, and other than the chick I had absolutely no interest in this Montana Messiah. I’ve seen ‘em all! They all beg for money and they all like little girls. 

 

Then one day while I was admiring my new coffee maker and putting an article together a message popped up on my screen. To paraphrase it said, “Goodbye Sucker! You’re outta here!” And WordPress fired me quicker than Congress fired Kevin McCarthy! Some things are hard to get your mind around. Getting thrown out of WordPress is like getting thrown out of a bar for spending too much money. But, there I was. Sitting on the curb with a bruise on both cheeks of my a$$! Forsooth! 

 

WordPress, in spite of its lackadaisical attitude, actually had community standards. Now I didn’t actually read them. I mean who does. The rules are simple. Keep it reasonably clean, don’t plan assassinations and don’t say anything about the Jews. I get it. What I didn’t get was this preacher has lots of followers who were crazier than he was. And they all have an internet connection and they all bitch 24/7. Oh, yeah, and they all love Jesus. 

 

Robert trampled on his holy feelings. He was just serving the Lawd when he had Suzie Sweetcheeks knock that rancher in the head with that Walmart cross. We, Robert and I, had infringed his freedom of religion. Meanwhile preacher boy is slugging his way through the Court of the Good Ol’ Boy up there in Montana. He needs to ask Bill Windsor how that’s gonna work out for him. 

 

For the record, I didn’t lose any articles. Some time before all this Roger of TLB fame, was onto me to start a website with the actual title, “The Butcher Shop.” He said the one we were using was a fifteen year old thing that had nothing to do with literature in its title. So, accordingly I went and purchased a site. Part of the preparation was to migrate all the thousands of articles from our WordPress to the new site. Ergo, we had an exact copy. Now, get this! The new site was owned by WORDPRESS! I crappith thee not! So anyway, after my execution I went to the new site to try to construct. I sent the link to Roger whereupon he let me know that it was WordPress. And, as I was poking around, I pushed a button and son uffa bytch! There were all the articles. The WordPress algorithm has missed that corner of the dump. Well, Johnny Quick, I downloaded all of them to my drive, where they rest today. “F U, WordPress in your goat smelling a$$!”

 

So that’s the story of what became of the Butcher Shop on WordPress. The only thing left to do is take the preacher’s daughter to a fine dinner.