The Talking Dog
The Talking Dog
Everybody wants to get next to a happening guy. And that’s what lures people to New York, Hollywood, Austin, and Nashville. There is a saying in Nashville: Nobody asked you to pull off I-40.
Once there were two horses retired to pasture. Laying on the other side of the fence was a dog. One horse said, “I ran in the Kentucky Derby. I was in the lead. Suddenly I got a cramp in my left rear leg and came in second.”
The other horse said, “That’s nothing. I ran the Belmont Stakes. I won, but was disqualified because my Jockey drank a beer just before the race!”
The dog shook his head. “You horses! Losers. I ran the Memphis dog races. I outran the dogs. I even outran that wooden rabbit. Because I’m a winner!”
One horse looked at the other and said, “Well, what do you know! A talking dog!”
Most people aspiring to the entertainment industry are “talking dogs.” Oh, don’t get me wrong. Everyone tries to portray themselves in a favorable light. The spotlight is the most favorable. To stay in the spotlight is the trick. The ones who do are the stars. The ones who fail are called meteoric. Fast up, fast down.
When I stepped into that garage studio back in ’83 and recorded that horrible song that you’ve probably heard but won’t admit to, I had no idea it would bootleg around three million copies. It had nothing to do with race, truth, Beethoven or anything except they were about to cut the lights off and we had to sell a record.
You have all seen movies or heard stories about various artists selling their souls to the devil for fame and fortune. Well, all artists don’t do that, but they will strike a rental deal and then find Jesus after the lease expires.
Many are called, but few are chosen. The ones who aren’t called go home and find a job. The ones that make it navigate the treacherous waters of the entertainment sea and drink or dope themselves to death at the appointed time. They are the ones we call “legends.” A good case in point was John Lennon’s remark upon hearing of Elvis’s death. “Oh! Good career move!”
A big mistake a lot of people make is assuming that people in the business are somehow smarter or have some magic omnipotent ability to see into the future and lead the way for the rest of us. Verily verily I say unto thee, if thou thinketh that, thou understandeth not the game.
In the movie, “City Slickers” Jack Palance sticks one finger in the air and utters the immortal words, “One thing! Everything else don’t mean schitt!” Singers, actors, writers are good at doing that one thing. It’s when they try to multitask that we have problems. When they step out of their designated spotlight they enter darkness. Then they join weird religions, come out of the closet or race their sports car into someone’s house at full speed.
And the talking dogs are always trying to find an “in.” Something that will fix them in the public mind for some indefinite period. For right behind that comes the money. And always remember my first rule: Money buys everything! But money will not buy understanding.
Most people live paycheck to paycheck. Stacking one payday upon another is something they have never and will never do. My dad never made $2,000 a year in his entire life. But he wasn’t poor. We ate and paid the bills. And the only effect it had on me was a shaking hand when I paid a mortgage five times greater than my dad’s yearly income because I knew the value of a dollar and how wealth is an illusion. To this day I never tell my siblings what I do or what I make because every time I do they try to put me in the nuthouse!
Dolly Parton lives in that world. She threw some money at the COVID Vax. Ok! Now before I go on, I’d like to say that I have not taken the Vax. Why? Because they snatched it out of their ass! THAT’S why! It takes years to develop a vaccine, not six months. Hell! Good whiskey takes twelve years! I said long before the vax was released that I was gonna wait and watch. And, considering that I’ve never taken a flu shot, it’s a good bet I won’t be taking a COVID shot either. I’ll just go to Bistineau Biyou where I grew up and have some voodoo witch blow cigar smoke up my butt. They built it on a conglomeration of various viruses the Chinese sold to Walmart. My mama told me never drink blended whiskey.
These days we have a lot of armchair quarterbacks. People who hang out on the social media listening to talking dogs. The Prophet, Ron White told us you can’t fix stupid. Stupid people die. It’s call natural selection. That’s why baby boomers tend to be so much smarter than millennials, Z’s or any other alphabet generation you may pick. The dumb ones didn’t make it. “Oh save us mighty government!” Yeah. Right!
Dolly Parton is a human. She knows didly squat about medicine. She does know the music business and has a sack full of money. She comes from Tennessee, but I forgive her for that. During the onslaught of COVID 19 she slung a check at the doctors and they cooked up some moonshine. History has proven the vax was at best useless and at worse deadly. Dolly forgot Jack’s finger in the air. One thing! She recently did one hell of a half time show at the Thanksgiving Day Game. Plain old music from a plain old gal. And the armchair conspiracy theorists took off after her like a pack of wild dogs. Well, their opinions and $5.69 will get you a Venti Mocha at Starbucks.
But, she is an American icon. And football is the national sport, and if you don’t think she looked good during that halftime show, you sir are
a homosexual! Forget her reasons for giving that money and check out the diet that makes Britney Spears look older than Dolly.
While writing this I had to listen to a guy telling me the white people came from Mars because the sun was farther from Mars than earth. Pick and choose your Batschitt moments folks. They WILL find you out.
I still like Dolly. And yes, I have personal reasons for going light on her and no, it’s none of your business. Suffice to say my lease has run out and I now have a condo. He who has ears, let him hear. He who doesn’t, hell! Go ahead and take a vax. Talk to them horses.
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