I Told You I Was Crazy

 

As I was scanning the news this morning I had an epiphany. I have them now and then. About ten times a day. Because, as my family agrees, I’m crazy. Anyway, I was working my way through the end of the world and I wondered what could we, as a species, come up with that would be “green” ie safe for people to touch without losing their fingers, enticing to all genders, age groups, and religions, and be easy to make and, oh yeah, organic. Those would have to be the standards adhered to. Something the FDA could look at and say, “WhatEVER!” 

 

I had to find something that interests everyone in some capacity, yet be discreet so as not to become the main topic of conversation at a party but everyone had it somewhere in the house for use at the opportune moment. Something as universal as a Red Solo Cup, yet as novel as a plant based What a Burger. 

 

It couldn’t be restricted by law like cigarettes. And possession would even be legal in Mississippi. Across all races, all cultures. Something so common that you just know that it’s always been there . . . somewhere. In fact, when I thought about it I just knew that surely someone had come up with this before. 

 

It couldn’t be anywhere in the Bible so even the congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church could have it, and it had absolutely nothing to do with anything The Pope would be interested in. 

 

It must be practical, something the everyday person could use at various times, yet innovative enough so as not to be an everyday thing. Kinda like Cantaloupe Blue Bell Ice Cream. Surprise you once a year and then, poof, gone ‘til next Easter. 

 

Something older women could appreciate and younger ones could keep it as a dirty little secret. Yet not be dirty in the literal sense, and not forbidden. Just not on display when not being used. Something familiar to everyone yet packaged in such a way that it is familiar and intriguing all at the same time. 

 

And it has to be universally useful just like the aforementioned Red Solo Cup. Tribute to Toby Kieth, peace and blessings be upon him. HE would have used this! Oh God, would he have, but I digress. Something I can’t mention on The Liberty Beacon but everyone would have it. Something I’d give my granddaughter for her birthday and she would speak to me again. 

 

It would pop up all over the internet and the Chinese would come up with a knock off. HEB stores in Texas would have it right there in the pharmacy, right on the shelf without a prescription. And you could never overdose on it.  It would be so simple that it wouldn’t even need instructions. Even a Baylor coed could figure it out. 

 

Fathers would give it to their sons, mothers to their daughters and the lady at Walmart would hand out free samples. Something as sweet as a baby’s breath yet sugar free so even diabetics could use it without fear of a high blood sugar! And no warnings on the label! 

 

It would come in only one version like back when Schlotzsky’s started out. One version, with one day delivery from Amazon for the anxious. Just one use would transform all naysayers into believers and TV Evangelists could not send an overpriced blessed version. Just open the package and you’d get a touch from God for $3.99, tax and shipping not included. 

 

This, boys and girls, men and women, strait, trans, geek or freak,  ladies and gentlemen was my epiphany, and my gift to the betterment of man. I give you Chocolate Flavored KY Jelly! May the Force be with you!