Too Stupid To Live

 

So,I’m gonna bust this bubble right now! I spent fifteen years, curtesy of the CPS, separated from my grandchildren. No particular reason. I just was one of them guys that has a face people like to slap the shit out of. And all that time I lived a delusional life, clinging onto schizophrenic memories of the sounds of little feet. The CPS was smarter than me! I should’ve taken the hint!

 

Well, time and tears went by and we were all united again. My joy was beyond description. Like finding a bottle of Jim in the cabinet behind the flour that you forgot you hid there so folks wouldn’t call you an alcoholic when you pour a couple shots in your morning coffee.

 

It took me some time before I realized the kids had morphed. Took about a day. They don’t talk, they scream. And they scream because they all hate each other. The big ones eat the little ones. This actually started a while ago. Ever wonder why the birth rate is declining? Millenials eat their young! But they honestly hate each other. Would hide the body if one of them woke up dead kind of hate. And nothing is safe in the house. Can break a cigar cutter. I’m a member of The Cigar Box here in town. We sit around and bitch about everything while we smoke and not one cigar cutter ever got broke! Who does that?

 

Well, I’ll tell you who. GRANDPEOPLE! I did not know a cigar cutter had three components until I found them all spread out on the coffee table. Oh! And according to Texas law if you have these little bastards you can’t smoke in the house, the car, or front yard within fifty yards of them. Why? Have you seen what they smoke. They condemn me while vaping like a locomotive on the Rock Island line.

 

Their entire earthly experience comes from Tik Tok. The only children the cartels would return! And send you a bill! And they’re all queer. Not gay! QUEER! Not the waiter at Papadaux’s. QUEER! Would make John Holmes roll over in his grave kind of Queer!

 

And very age conscious. You’re not “grandfather,” or “PaPa,” or even “Pops!” You are OLD MAAAAAN with a capital Old. And they have no cognitive abilities beyond boiling a Ramen Soup which is why they weigh so much. Oink Oink! Cook four, eat one, and dump three down the sink. 

 

Now if you ever had kids you know bedrooms can be messy. Some clothes on the floor, a cereal bowl here a lost remote there but the “Z” flavor? Oh Jesus, sitting next to God Almighty waiting for you to show up naked! I’ve seen pictures of Nazi Death camps that looked better. The gorilla cage at the zoo! And they sit in this squalor playing those silly-ass games that YOU’RE stupid enough to buy for them. And the game is EVERYTHING. Put a girl on the phone off because they gotta finish the next level. I crappith thee not.

 

I titled this “Too Supid to Live.” How stupid? Ok, get this. Their two big threats are suicide and running away, ok? Now about the suicide thing. You won’t be lucky enough for one of them to off themselves so just forget it. Running away? They’ll take off. Of course grandma is cruising the neighborhood looking for them. Then comes the call. Yeah yeah yeah they took their iPhone, the one YOU bought them just in case they need a pizza or something. Anyway, he’s lost. In the neighborhood. Lost. And can’t tell you where he’s at. Four blocks from the house, sitting under a street sign crying like a baby. You gotta search for him because he can’t read the sign at the intersection. Because it’s two syllable words and they haven’t gotten that far in high school yet. For them “Wonk Wonk” counts as two syllables. And High School? What an oxymoron. Oughta call it Drag Queen University. Don’t laugh. Your next generation of heart doctors are coming out of there. I got better medical care from an old VooDoo woman when I was growing up in Louisiana blowing cigar smoke in my ear to cure the flu. I think you should know that this is the same kid who was looking for his backpack for thirty minutes before discovering that it was on his back. I suppose that’s why they call it a BACK pack.

That’s not to say they don’t have medical care. Did you notice that mainly old people died of COVID. That’s because the kids GAVE it to us. Everyone was all worried about their return to school. They caught it, of course, but my little blessings were out playing in the snow the next day and I told them, “Hey! You got the COVID,” to which they said, “That was YESTERDAY!” I understand that Silverbacks didn’t die from it either. 

 

The bad news is when we pass the torch these idiots will grab the lit end. The good news is there just has to be an asteroid out there taking aim at the earth. Too stupid to live. If I make it through this some day I’m gonna buy a bus, get a case of Jim, pick up a UT cheerleader who’s flunking out, head out to Ocotillo Wells and try to act like I’m not having a good time!