Beware the Kiddie Mafia

 

The FBI disassembled the Mafia sometime back. And as all those tired old hitmen faded into the sunset on Mulberry Street we remember them fondly. Wherever there’s a plus there’s a minus. A ying there’s a yang. A mafia there’s a new criminal organization more insidious, more secretive, more organized than anything The Black Hand could ever devise rose to prominence. More criminal than Bonnie and Clyde, better liars than Bill Clinton, and versed in modern techniques of espionage beyond anything Vladimir Putin ever dreamed of. Your kids!

The X-Box generation is beyond anything Star Wars ever put on the silver screen. We think they are just continually playing games in their room when in reality they are part of a worldwide organization bent on the ultimate destruction of civilization as we know it. With every click of the mouse we get closer to total chaos as they communicate their evil plans to their co-conspirators in America, Europe, Russia, China, and all the ships at sea in the universal language of the internet. 

There was a time when plastic money was a convenient form of commerce. I’ll never forget the first time I pulled out my debit card at HEB and paid for my groceries. I immediately went and set up online accounts for every bill I had. Smiling lovingly at my little grandson sitting on the couch playing with his PlayStation harmlessly saying things like, “Mark, Check, Confirm,” and you’re glad he’s out of your hair. Beware the Jabberwocky my friend, my friend! For at all times you are being observed and reported. 

There is a sinister, top secret department that keeps up with our every move. They are known as “The Deedles,” or “Watchers.” Little girls between the ages of three and five who prowl the supermarkets, big box stores and parks observing and categorizing our every move. Every purchase. Every chance meeting. And conveying this to their commanders waiting quietly in their command centers to use this information to help forward their plan for the accumulation of wealth. Not in regular dollars. The currency they use is V-Bucks. An international denomination accepted by citizens of the Kiddie Mafia in all parts of the world. National borders have become a thing of the past in KiddieKingdom and language has been converted by the translator applications on their phones. And theirs is an exclusive society. Everyone else is on the menu! 

They have achieved the ability of cross species communication. They speak and understand “Dog!” Don’t believe me? They next time you come home with your kids or grandkids, who does the dog run to first? Reporting! They don’t seem to understand “Cat” yet but this can be ascribed to the number of “Cat Ladies” who haven’t been eliminated as of yet. 

The gathering of wealth is done by a migration system. Be very cognizant of your bank accounts. Credit and debit cards are vulnerable but avoid Cash App and PayPal. These applications have been appropriated by the Kiddie Cartel long ago and with a simple gift card money laundering process your life savings can be moved over and you will not see your kids for a Fortnite! Should you report this to the authorities you will quickly discover that KiddieMafia members have a blanket immunity because in the eyes of the law they don’t exist until the age of eighteen, but you, Responsible Parent, DO!

These “creatures” do have certain drawbacks. They generally can’t read, don’t know what gender they are and have a lot to learn about modern toiletries. Their tastebuds malfunction and to them everything tastes like butt. This makes them easy to poison if you can find any caustic element that can kill them but good luck! They eat Tide Pods. Never threaten them orally. You will be a star on TikTok. Confine your threats to written notes in cursive. Their code breakers haven’t broken that one yet. 

Basically, however, we are all doomed because the law of nature tells us that they will invariably outlive us. The world will degenerate into a lawless mush because among other things our new masters simply cannot grow a taco. If Jesus ever does come back He’d just better bring V-Bucks or no Mount of Olives for Him.