Little Red Riding Republican Walks Like an Egyptian
Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived in a great kingdom. And she was happy. She had mommy and daddy and grandma and four little brothers. They all lived happily in a big blue house on a mountain. And each day she would walk to school and see her friends. She wore a red hoodie that kept her warm on cold days. She was known as Little Red Riding Republican. And each day when she came home her little dog, Cleo would greet her at the door of the big blue house, and they would run and play in the orchard behind the big blue house. And life was good.
Then one day pestilence descended upon the kingdom. Wizards rose shouting, “Woe Woe Woe! It is the end of the world and everyone will die lest they drink a magic potion called vaccine in multiple increments. But even then all subjects in the kingdom must lock their doors and not venture out for death’s there and on that day they will surely die.
And on days whereupon they are allowed to fetch food and water they must wear a helmet called a mask, yea, even as a bandit or the king shall punish them with a brand that will set them apart from others. And Little Red Riding Republican hid within the big blue house and watched her garden die from her window. And her school was closed. And her friends were all locked away in their abodes as she was and darkness fell upon the land.
And the wizards said, “The King hath done this!” And a cry went up throughout the land for the king to be vanquished from his castle. And he was accused of all manner of inequity, even into impropriety with an evil witch called The Daniel who came in a whirlwind of stormy accusations that subjects believed and the good king found no recompense.
And the streets were empty. And the people cried, “What shall we do? Who can save us? So a council was called known as Election. And an old knight was chosen to take the king’s castle and save the kingdom. And he had a court jester. A maid who laughed at all times but actually said very little. And all subjects worthy to possess a straw permitting them to present their opinions by reason of their eighteenth summer as to who should be king. And the straws were counted and the opinions were voiced and it was decided to depose the good king and coronate a new king, soon to reveal himself as a bad king but the subjects rejoiced for they had believed all the town criers known as social media that had been sent by the bad king who confused the subjects’ wisdom by means of false statements known as fake news.
And the town criers did indeed rise saying that the good king had committed all manner of error. That he had indeed increased the pestilence by reason of his lack of wisdom but the new king would save everyone with the many magic potions his wizards would brew. But these potions were a witch’s brew and would indeed steal the soul of anyone who drank thereof.
And during all this time Little Red Riding Republican grew to her eighteenth summer alone in her room lamenting her dead garden where there was no life. And she said naught, for all of her friends throughout the kingdom were such as she was and they, too were becoming vexed with the lack of wisdom that had dominated the kingdom. And darkness fell across the land and many souls were lost to confusion, but those such as Little Republican held fast for they knew that one day the good king would return and slay the dragons known as pronouns and political correctness and the darkness would give way to the light of freedom and wisdom.
And the good king was wise. And he and his knights began to count the straws from the council that had forced him from his castle and Lo! He discovered that there were more straws than there were subjects within the entire kingdom and he cried, “Foul! Thou hast counted straws whereupon no subjects had ever existed!” But the bad king was treacherous and he called for an inquisition which arose and said the good king was a fool and only sought to spread his foolishness among the subjects in order to confuse them when in reality the real fool was in the King’s castle. And the depth of his inequity had dimmed the light of his wisdom to such a degree that he could not even find the castle door without a guide, indeed stumbling as he mounted the staircase to the great carriage that carried him above the clouds.
And all this time the Little Red Riding Republican grew in age and wisdom as did others of her ilk and they said naught for according to the tradition of the elders they were not allowed straws until their eighteenth summer whereupon it was understood that they would have attained the wisdom required to have the sacred straws and could voice their opinions in the next great council.
But the years passed. And the bad king continued to heed the advice of his wizards and Lo, the pestilence did begin to abate. But not because of the potions applied by the bad king’s edicts but contrary to the town criers that should Little Red Riding Republican and her cohorts return to her orchard the pestilence would abound and all would surely die, and they did not die. Yea! They thrived and all the king’s wizards and all the king’s pronouncements could not put the pestilence together again! And the subjects did remove their masks and they did not die. But in the six years hence Little Republican’s entire generation did lose all the wonderful years of growth that could never be reclaimed. And their eighteenth summer came and they began to be filled with righteous anger. And clamored for their straws for the day of reckoning had come and they would roll the stone away.
So therefore it was decided that there would be another counting of the straws and the bad king rose up in righteous indignation and proclaimed that he would vanquish the good king once and for all. But it was found that his wizards could not concoct a potion powerful enough to keep him awake so it was decided to turn to the court jester and give her the bad king’s straws and she would occupy the White Castle on the hill. And so the created an illusion that portrayed the jester as a great mind and many oracles were brought forth predicting that she was the only hope of the kingdom and that the good king would destroy the world should he ever enter the White Castle again.
But on the day of the count Little Red Riding Republican and the others of her kind produced their straws for the first time in their lives. And after the opinions were heard it was found that the subjects of the kingdom, led by Little Republican and others had realized a great truth. That the last few years of the rule of the bad king had all been a lie.
And the good king returned to the White Castle and formed a council led by Sir Elon of the Kingdom if Tejas and he sought out the evil knights of the bad king who had taken the kingdom’s gold and used it for all manner of inequity. And Sir Elon rose mightily and slew them even with the sword known as DOGE.
And Little Red Riding Republican and her army returned to their abodes. While they could not get the years of lost childhood back they had attained wisdom, yes, far beyond their years, and vowed to teach their children and their children’s children lest the six years of darkness be forgotten. And the good king was once again upon his throne and everyone lived happily ever after.
The End
The above was written in such a manner as to enlighten as many as possible because when I talk to most people like adults . . . they don’t listen.
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