Hit The Purple Light

 

 I know there are a lot of X’s, Z’s, and even Millennials out there puzzling over the title of this article but let me explain. To combat my depression after my first divorce my mother put me to work as a doorman in a whorehouse. The cover for the place was that it was a dance club where semi-nude girls would dance on a stage and display their wares to young soldiers from Fort Hood looking for “ diversion.” To camouflage stretch marks the stage would be bathed in purple light to give the illusion of something that is not. A purple light can make a 40 look like a 20. And verily, verily I say unto you, the purple lights are on for this election. Now . . . on with the article. 

 

The Democrats have mounted a campaign against Donald Trump since he took the oath of office. From that crazy lady on her knees screaming, “No!” to the rifle shot in Pennsylvania, it’s been uphill there and uphill back. Biden stresses over and over again that Trump is bad for Democracy, as he mumbles through another press conference and Obama leads him off the stage.

 

Yes. It was a miracle that bullet didn’t hit him right between the eyes, and if it wasn’t it’ll do until one comes along. But we have degenerated into “warring” factions down to insane theories about President Biden having something to do with the assassination attempt. There just has to be a Grassy Knoll here somewhere!  People! Have you lost your minds? No matter who wins the election it will not affect you in any noticeable way except for your temper fit should your guy lose. And that’s the God’s honest truth.

 

When I was six years old President Eisenhower made absolutely no difference to me or anybody I knew. And to this day I can’t tell you one thing he ever did that affected my life then or now. Kennedy made a blip when he got shot and Nixon made one when he did not. I thought having a Peanut Farmer in the White House was funny, but Obama was a real knee slapper. Now be honest. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Clinton. And it ain’t that Middle East Peace deal but it did have something to do with a pizza and a dress. Hayel to da CHIEF!

 

Candidates create issues to solve. The sky is falling, the sky is falling, look! There’s a piece of it right there! KerCHUNK! Well it looked like sky. But consider this. Now I want you to put your thinking caps on. You know how on a fairly regular basis the government runs out of money. I’ve never understood how that could happen since the government has a monopoly on printing money and it’s not real money anyway. It’s backed by, well, audacity. But they borrow against future governing I guess and in about six months or so they need to raise a little hell and then raise the debt ceiling, whatever that is. After much hemming and hawing they eventually raise it and we’re good until next time. I think the next time TXU sends me a disconnection notice I’m gonna just raise my debt ceiling. Now while “Shutting the government down” only affects things like the toilets in Yellowstone and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier please note that it doesn’t affect congressional salaries. I think they may have shut it down once and sans toilets it really had Yellow Stones until they agreed on a budget. All the toilets flushed on Capitol Hill! Congress churned on. Nothing missing. Not one prime rib or free stamp. They get payday right on time while they’re telling us that it’s the end of the world.

 

So there we are, numb from all this, fighting traffic to get to work, our grandson wants to wear a dress, and Lo and behold, they’s Meskins on the border! Alert the media. There’s been Mexicans on the border since Santa Anna took the Alamo! And both candidates are inventing more issues than a soon to be ex-wife. Biden quit! Harris is gonna run. Trump got his ear blown off. The polls are shifting. Wait! No their not. No, there’s a 1% spread. Harris is gonna bring in twice the Mexicans and Trump’s gonna shoot them.

 

Know what I began to see? Admit that if the government did close down would we even miss it? What would happen if we just called off the election and let Elon Musk run the country? What is peace of mind worth. Watch the news. There simply can’t be that much going on. I mean, these people can’t balance a checkbook.

 

Look, life is stressful. Just plain old vanilla life gives out strokes and heart attacks by the six-pack. And we don’t need more stress over stories candidates make up to get votes.

 

You work all day. You come home. You’re tired. And you check the news. You find out the new buzz word is “weird.” I’ll go with that. It’s all weird. And things are wearing just a little bit thin. I prefer some candidates over others. I wouldn’t vote for a woman from California if she spent the weekend with me and paid the hotel bill. I was suspicious of Trump because he’s a Yankee, but I would vote for him. Do I buy the country is falling to the Mexicans? Hell no! Texas has had Mexicans on the border all my life. Cut my grass. Trump runs a pretty good hotel and should Harris lose she could always change her name to “Candy” and learn to work a pole. And in ten years we’d all be waiting for the next innovation from Taco Bell. Hit the purple light!